Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
