then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
