Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
