You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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