I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk