I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
