i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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