my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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