he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
