wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
