I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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