take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
