Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
