At least make sure they are 18
Why
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
