Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
