You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
