remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
