I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
