I'm sorry my penis didn't work
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
