I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
