Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
