I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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