I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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