this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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