last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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