hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
