You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
