So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize