The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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