I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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