I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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