that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Mom said you looked used
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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