Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
