Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
