How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
