she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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