I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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