I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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