she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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