I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
