Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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