At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
