At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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