We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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