oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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