i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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