You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
