you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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