she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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