I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
