I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
