I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
