A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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