census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
