hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
